What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 01:41
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One cannot live in the past .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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(And it was in our own minds.)
She was in good health!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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She married twice! .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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I was 9 years of age.
We were not on the streets..
I said to her
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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Comes on , in middle age.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im still living with it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Ive learnt so much.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Was to survive, this bastard.
She loved him until the end.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But, we were locked up after school.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She wouldn,t have been !
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I have no regrets .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So, i spoilt her more .
But ive been too sick for many years..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Especially a lifetime of it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I write beautiful poetry .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He knew the spot.
Who then, do I blame.?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I think the readers, may guess!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was seconnd youngest,
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
It was going to be , some day.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We all went to grammer schools
My family never makes their pension either.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Would this be the day?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I waited trembling.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She found it foreign!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My life is so biszare .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
What did i know ?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And i lived it daily.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He resisted the act ,that day.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I could never make a relationship work though!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was scared of men, in general
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Put me off passion for life!!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
All the time i was locked up.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was very sick at this time too.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
This is soul school!.
When she asked me how she looked .
I will be 64.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I don,t even have a pension.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
So whats the point in blame.
But it wasn’t much.